My dear child,
I want you to know how much I love you. I know that you aren’t my child biologically. But I don’t think I could love you any more than I do. I know you haven’t been in my life very long. But you are my child. And you forever will be.
I love to see your smiles. The beautiful dimples that crease your cheeks. I love to watch you run into school. With your awkward, growing up gait. I love to hear your laugh. It’s becoming more frequent and it is such a beautiful, with total abandon, precious sign of childhood. I love to watch you succeed. The glow of confidence that lights your face. I love to help you grieve. You are starting to let me in. Starting to allow me to comfort you. I love to see your heart. You are sweet, kind, protective, gentle, and determined.
I want you to know that I see your pain. I saw the grin shift into sorrow when you handed me my flowers this morning. I saw the struggle in your eyes as I read your card from school. I saw the tears and the bowed head this morning at church when you heard those honoring mothers. Those challenging you to say or do something to honor yours. I felt your arms squeeze tighter than usual, and I felt the shudder of your shoulders. I heard the hesitation of your words and I noticed that you withdrew a little from me today. I see your broken heart and I long to be able to hug it away.
I want you to know that I understand. I’m not angry. I’m not confused or worried. I hid in the bathroom crying when I saw you shake your head “no.” You didn’t want me to hug or comfort you. But I understand. I know you miss your first mom. Your biological mom. Your memories of her are precious and have a special place in your heart. While I hurt for you, so very badly, I understand that these conflicting emotions are right. They are good. Mother’s Day will probably always be this way for you. I know it’s confusing and I know it hurts. I understand, sweet child, and I’m so very sorry for your pain.
I want you to know I am thankful. I’m so thankful you chose to honor me today. You didn’t have to, but I’m so thankful you did. I’m honored to share a space in your heart with your other mother. In your growing, childlike way you are choosing to love and honor us both. You are so strong. So loving. So giving. Thank you for carefully choosing words to write to me that show me how you care about me even though it created vulnerability in your heart. Thank you for choosing to love through your pain. Thank you, sweet child.
I want you to know that I will be here. As you grow. As you change. As your emotions shift and shake. As you struggle. As you succeed. When you don’t know where to turn or what to do. When your foundation cracks again and again. When you struggle to reconcile the pieces of your past, present, and future. When you wonder why your story had to be just the way it is. When you love me. When you are angry with me. I will be here. Cheering you on. On my knees lifting you up to my heavenly Father. Cooking your favorite dinner. Listening as you share your heart. As long as God gives me breath, I will be here for you. Whether you are near or far. In my home or out. Winning or losing. God has made me your mother. And I will be here for you.
I love you, sweet child. I’m so thankful God brought you to me.
Your (foster) Mom